Attachment Parenting: Why We Do What We Do

We often get compliments about how well-behaved and sweet our children are, especially when we are at church or in restaurants. While it could very well be that they have good genes and are naturally that way, I think a lot of credit goes to attachment parenting. We stumbled upon the practice in the early months with Jack, more through intuition (later confirmed by science) than by an intentional approach to any given system.

Our boys are confident and loving because they know that they are deeply loved and cared for at home, making them more willing to venture forth in the world, try new things and meet new people. It's not just through words or kisses that they know they're loved, but by intentional ways of connecting with them: breastfeeding, babywearing, and bed-sharing.

Here are the three basic tenets of attachment parenting: (You can read more about it in Dr. Sears' bestselling baby book "The Baby Book".)

1. Breastfeeding on demand for at least one year:
This is probably the most widely supported aspect of attachment parenting, although the "on demand" aspect is often frowned on by people who think a baby should be on a "schedule". Ben eats when he wants, whether he last ate three hours ago, one hour ago, or (oh, happy day) five hours ago, and he eats where he wants, whether we're dining on the patio at Noodles and Company, sitting in the front row at church, or watching otters at the zoo. While I wasn't able to nurse Jack longer than seven months due to supply issues, I hope that I'll be able to continue nursing Ben as long as he wants to continue the practice, unhampered by an arbitrary 12 month cut-off.

2. Babywearing:
My Baby Bjorn is the best parenting tool I own right now. If I didn't have any other baby gear, I could get by, but I'd need my Bjorn or my Moby Wrap. Nothing calms Ben down like being held securely close to my body. He can observe the world with security and confidence from his perch in the Bjorn, and I have my hands free to play with Jack, do laundry, or grocery shop. Plus, forget dragging a stroller everywhere, Ben is happier being worn than being pushed. The same was true with Jack, who rode in the Bjorn until he was too big and then still insisted on sitting in a sling on my hip while I prepared dinner until he was two.

3. Bed-sharing:
Before I became a mother, I never thought I would want to sleep with my baby. I thought it was dangerous, disruptive, and indulgent. But then Jack was born, and he and I both slept better when he was curled up against me. And I discovered that -- for breastfeeding mothers and attached parents in general -- there was less danger than sleeping in a crib in a separate room, plus while I slept less deeply, I was waking up less than I was to check on him if he wasn't in our bed. Jack continued to sleep with us for at least part of the night until after Ben was born, until the lure of his brand new big boy bed proved too strong and he moved out permanently, joining us now only after he wakes in the morning.
When Jack moved out, Ben, who had been sleeping in a co-sleeper attachment or in his bouncy seat, moved in. I never breastfed Jack in bed because he was such a difficult nurser and he started sleeping through the night early on. So I was shocked by how easy it was to nurse Ben, who still wakes every 2-3 hours for a snack, while in bed. Ben and I both exist in a twilight state of semi-wakefulness while he latches on, and then we both drift back to sleep together. Brian typically never even notices Ben's nocturnal feedings, mainly because he never has to cry to be fed -- just a whimper or nuzzle, and I know what he needs.

One of the things I love about bed-sharing in particular is how well it works for us as working parents. When Jack first started daycare, he was especially needy and clingy at home, as one would expect of him. So we were able to meet his need for closeness during the night, in addition to being more attentive during the day. If we had forced him to sleep alone, he would have been even more clingy in the few hours that we spent with him in the evening. But he was able to venture forth to daycare each day with confidence that his needs would be met. Similarly, as Ben goes through a mommy-centered phase, he spends more time in the Baby Bjorn and sleeps very close to me, so that he can have the confidence to move away from me as he starts his first army-crawls and rolls.

One of the cutest things I've noticed is that Jack also practices attachment parenting with his Kitty. Kitty often gets carried in a sling and, of course, bed-shares with Jack. Jack also often insists that I need to feed Kitty when I'm done with Ben. (We had a conversation about how only mommies can breastfeed babies, not little boys.) So I have high hopes that when he becomes a father some day, some of Brian's behaviors will have rubbed off on him as well.

Mitzi, the doula at the birth center who runs our new mom's group, always says that attachment parenting is very intensive and challenging for the first two years, but you reap the rewards for years later. So far, I agree wholeheartedly. But I would also say that we are reaping the rewards already every minute of the day.

Below are some of our favorite attachment parenting moments: Jack wearing Kitty while I wear Ben, cuddling with both boys in the morning in our bed, Brian and Jack taking naps together (Brian used to take his shirt off so that Jack could recognize his daddy's natural smell), me wearing Jack in the Baby Bjorn to a Holt football game, and me wearing Ben at the zoo.